Trials of my life

The last week has put a lot of things in motion of me. I've really reflected on the miracles in my life and thought what a great opportunity it would be to take advantage of my blog and write about some of these miracles. Last week was the greatest trial I've experienced as a mother. The experience I choose to share now is my greatest trial as a daughter. Life has felt like such a struggle the last three years. Our families have been hit with some of the biggest trials we have ever faced. This last month marks three years since this trial changed my life.

My mom was getting ready to go into surgery to have a hysterectomy, it was supposed to be routine. In the weeks leading up to the surgery my whole family felt very unnerved. My mom didn't feel like she would be waking up from the surgery and most of us has the same foreboding thought. I prayed what I could do to help my mom get through the surgery. I always received the same answer, music. I kept asking isn't there something more important I could do? The answer was always simple, music. So I thought okay if that's the only thing I can do, I'm going to go overboard.

I loaded every Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD, Afterglow and other peaceful music I could find onto my Ipod and at last felt peace that we were ready for the surgery. The surgery came and went and we were all relieved to see my mom wake up. She was surprised when she woke up in the hospital room. Immediately problems started arising. My mom got a horrible infection that was only kept at bay with severe antibiotics running on an IV every half an hour for two days. We couldn't keep her pain under control and she kept saying how she felt like her body was poisoned. Her lungs felt tight and we couldn't take her off of the oxygen machine. Finally they said we could go home, the respiratory therapist was worried saying she had crackles in her lungs and sent her home with an oxygen machine.

The moment we got her home things went downhill. No matter what I did for her she got sicker. She couldn't walk to the bathroom and back without her lips turning blue from lack of oxygen. She couldn't eat and spent most of the time throwing up everything I brought her way. Her face and eyes started swelling and the pain pills became a joke. She laid in bed crying unable to have any relief. Two days later after dozens of calls to the doctor's office I knew she needed to get back into the hospital.

She agreed to go to Madison Memorial only after I threatened to call the ambulance if she didn't get in the car. She was horrified thinking of all the ward members on the QRU who would show up to her aid. She cried and begged me saying she was too sick to go to the hospital and to wait another day. I called in reinforcements. With enough of her children saying she needed to go in she finally relented. I loaded her into the car on that icy day and set off for the hospital. I drove as fast as I dared, driving the back roads of Roberts, Menan and Rexburg to get to the hospital. Her breathing became very shallow and I was unsure if she was even breathing at times. I dialed 911 on my phone and kept track of the mile markers so I could call the ambulance. I put on the hymns and told her to focus on the music and when we could see the Rexburg Temple I told her not to take her eyes off of it. When we finally arrived at the ER the nurses were frantic trying to find out what was wrong. Her lungs were full of blood clots and her white count was sky high. The surgery had been poorly performed and she was full of abscesses. They told us if we hadn't brought her in she would have died in the night.

So a fight to beat the clock took place. Because of the blood clots in her lungs they gave her blood thinners and so she couldn't have surgery. If they didn't perform the surgery soon the infection would take over. Surgery was scheduled in a little over 24 hours they outlook was grim and they said they didn't know if she would live that long. She was moved into ICU barely conscious and unable to decipher day from night. Family and friends came to give blessings, offer prayers and stand vigil next to her bedside.

I was there early the morning of the surgery she kissed me goodbye and she told me where she wanted to be buried and which one of us girls was to have which jewelry. I held her until they pried her from my arms to take her away. Something passed between us and I knew she believed she would never see me again in this life. I watched her wheeled to surgery and I felt helpless. Chase held me and I sobbed knowing her life hung in the balance. After three hours I had a feeling of hope. Nurses and doctors came in to talk to us, she had made it through surgery. She couldn't breath on her own and would be brought in on a respirator. They told us to be prepared for what was about to happen.

My mom's lifeless body was brought in to the room and I sat by her bed holding her hand. She started struggling almost immediately, fighting the respirator, confused where she was and eyes wild begging for help. I spoke her to her as a child, crooning to her and willed her to have peace. All of sudden I remembered the music, the moment the hymns began she calmed down. For two hours she fought us to be taken off, gagging and thrashing on the tubes. At one point my sisters told me to go sleep for a few hours because the doctor's said it would only get worse from here. Adrenaline was the only thing keeping me standing, and I passed out in a wooden chair at a friends house a few blocks away.

My sisters stayed with her. The doctors told her if she could hold her head off of her pillow for 10 seconds they could take her off the respirator. My mother lifted her head at a 45 angle for 45 seconds staring down the doctors, daring them to say she wasn't ready. They took her off the machine, my sister's rejoiced at such a huge accomplishment. That's when alarms started sounding, her temperature started rising and topped off at 108*. My sisters were told this is where 90% of patients were lost. Ice packets were strategically placed and buckets of ice were dumped over her body. My sisters didn't understand how things had gone bad so quickly they started wondering what caused such an instant change. Someone had turned the music off. The moment the room was filled with the hymns her temperature started dropping and she began to stabilize. The nurses and doctors stared at my mom and told them under no circumstances were they to turn that music off.

An hour later Chuck walked in, he was annoyed by he music. He turned the music off. Alarms sounded as my mom rapidly deteriorated. The first thing they asked when they walked in was who turned off her music. Embarrassed he turned the music on and my mom stabilized. No one understood how this was working. The prophet was once quoted, “When your faith fails, that's when you call the doctor.” We were truly keeping her alive with our faith. What a testimony prayers are answered.

We were told it would be at least a week until she left the ICU and a month until she went home. The music stayed on and she progressed rapidly. The next morning they released her to a regular room. My mom had barely spoken because her throat was so sore from the tubes. It was my turn to sit with her and everyone left the room to get some sleep, eat and shower. My mom opened her eyes. For the first time they focused on something in the room, me. Her throat was raspy and she struggled for breath. She needed to speak with me.

She told me she'd been on the other side. I smiled and told her to go back to sleep, sure the pain pump was making her delirious. She refused. She said she could prove it. She told me I was going to have a baby. Now I knew she'd lost it. Chase and I had been married almost 3 years and had been trying nearly that entire time and even miscarried a few times. We'd never told our families and few friends. I laughed, playing along. “So when am I going to have this baby?” She looked right into my eyes and said, “right away”. I was shocked to here her so fervent and little did I know I would find out weeks later that I was in fact pregnant. She told me things I had never told her or anyone else. When at last I was convinced she had visited the other side she moved on to tell me of her experience. I listened as she spoke of heaven with it's majestic mountains and great beauty. She spoke of her youthful body and how happy she was there. She saw her family and loved ones and rejoiced they were back together again. She spoke of how little material things mattered. She filled my heart with such joy. Her family cried for her saying she would have many trials to face and there would be much sorrow and her return would be short. When at last she told me everything she could remember, she started crying saying how she could still here the angels singing. She remembered standing next to her body and the conversations was even in the room when the doctors spoke with us while they were bringing her out of recovery. She felt sick climbing back into her body when they brought it in. She said it felt like she was sliding into cold mud. Silently I pondered what she was saying as she fell back asleep. I felt very strongly to not push aside what she recounted because it was true.

There are many things I can't repeat and very few family members even know of the entirety of her experience. When they released her days later to go home, I was exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. I exercised my faith in every way to keep her alive. When I found out I was pregnant Chase and I were overjoyed. We didn't wait to tell everyone Ruark was on the way, knowing he would make it to the birth. I have always felt since my mom came back that we are on borrowed time. Thankful for everything she has taught me, canning, sewing, how to be a mother. I thank the Lord for the last three years. Our relationship is getting better every day. She has promised me she's not going back to Chuck and I believe her. Whatever was going on seems to have resolved itself and she's no longer looking back. I don't want to waste the time we have left together, however long that is in this life. I can tell you I am excited for Heaven. I'm more sure than ever before that Heaven is just beyond the veil and that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and we can be together as families for all eternity.