Clarity

Today there has been no more clarity, even after all that has been said. How dare I put how I feel on my blog? How dare I have any feelings over what is going on in my life? Why do I feel overwhelmed at the idea of saying how I feel, to ask for other's prayers when I feel so down trodden? Am I not entitled to my feelings of anger, resentment and utter heartbreak? I realize today how I have rewritten my life story. Today I have looked back and realized how much disappointment and anguish I have dismissed because I didn't want to burden others with MY pain. Not long ago Chase and I went to the Temple Visitors Center to view the beautiful exhibit. There was the most beautiful picture of the 10 Virgins. This picture has stayed with me and I keep relating to that story. I have always felt that my vessel was full of oil, that I have always felt prepared for the trials of life. The last few years have been so difficult. We have been hit with more problems than most families receive in a lifetime. I realize how I have given my oil to everyone around me. I have given to everyone who wasn't prepared. I buoyed others with my faith, I have prayed, mourned, sheltered and sustained others. I gave everything I had and now at this time in my life I realize how empty my vessel is. I have felt such a peace in all this stress today and I truly believe it's because of all the prayers given to the Lord on my behalf and for my family. I am humbled that so many would pray for me and that so many care. My life hasn't stopped spinning but I am standing still in the midst watching as my life turns. So many lies have been said and promises made. Even at this time I don't think my mom understands the choices she is making. I've been promised she's not leaving and she wants us in her life that we are the most important people in her life. How my heart rejoiced to only be told in the same breath that I am raised and it's none of my business what she chooses to do with her life and I should take whatever relationship she decides to give me. I feel embarrassed to have so many people know the pain I am feeling. Horrified, I've put so much out in the open for everyone. However, I am so thankful to have my yoke lightened by so many who have given such wonderful words of support and love. I feel strengthened for tomorrow and know that I am not alone.