Leftovers

Last night I had an idea. I keep thinking about the 10 virgins and how my lamp is so empty. I've put a clear container in my room and each day I pray, read scriptures, go to church or do anything to help my testimony grow I will put one glass rock in my vessel. I think it will really help to see how my "lamp" is being filled and give me comfort that while I feel disconnected I'm making progress. While this silly visual aid is just a reminder to myself, I think i will receive a lot of peace. I keep thinking of the life we had when Chuck was apart of our family. We never felt welcome to our mother's home, our children were never welcome. I remember shushing newborn babies in her home and doing everything to keep them from crying so Chuck wouldn't ask my family to leave. We lived for the days he went fishing, hunting etc, because we were finally able to have our family together. So many holidays past by without us being able to celebrate because Chuck didn't want us there. So many holidays my brothers and sisters went home in tears minutes after arriving at our family events because Chuck didn't "sign on" to have us in his life and cruelly threw us out. We walked on egg shells and did everything to appease him so we could stay in her life. We cringed at disgusting jokes and language with a smile on our face. We waited and subsisted on the leftovers of our mother's time. We waited until she called us from the bathroom of a gas station where Chuck couldn't hear us talking on their road trips. We waited until he left to go to town for us to come home. I thought this was normal, WE thought this was normal. How did we live this way for 15 years? I'm not going back to the way life was, my mom can't have her cake and eat it too. Whatever that expression means, I've never quite understood it. I remember the day Mom and Chuck were married. I was 11 years old and I told my teacher, "my mom is getting married today!" He asked what time I would be picked up for the wedding and I shrugged and said, "I don't get to go, they don't want me there." I remember the pain in his eyes but I didn't understand why he looked so sad for me. No one in my family was invited to the wedding or to their life. My mom was wonderful, my mom IS wonderful. Everyone who knows her, loves and adores her. She showers everyone with love and comfort and gives all she has to everyone. She brings home invalids from the jail and takes care of them for months and years. She made up for the cruel step father and the situation where I lived. She cried to have her children together and our family whole. I don't understand how she could want to go back to that life. I refuse to go back, no matter how much I love my mom, I don't know many who love their mom as I do, I will not allow that man back in our life. I need more, we all need more. We finally understand WE DESERVE MORE.