Trials of my life

The last week has put a lot of things in motion of me. I've really reflected on the miracles in my life and thought what a great opportunity it would be to take advantage of my blog and write about some of these miracles. Last week was the greatest trial I've experienced as a mother. The experience I choose to share now is my greatest trial as a daughter. Life has felt like such a struggle the last three years. Our families have been hit with some of the biggest trials we have ever faced. This last month marks three years since this trial changed my life.

My mom was getting ready to go into surgery to have a hysterectomy, it was supposed to be routine. In the weeks leading up to the surgery my whole family felt very unnerved. My mom didn't feel like she would be waking up from the surgery and most of us has the same foreboding thought. I prayed what I could do to help my mom get through the surgery. I always received the same answer, music. I kept asking isn't there something more important I could do? The answer was always simple, music. So I thought okay if that's the only thing I can do, I'm going to go overboard.

I loaded every Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD, Afterglow and other peaceful music I could find onto my Ipod and at last felt peace that we were ready for the surgery. The surgery came and went and we were all relieved to see my mom wake up. She was surprised when she woke up in the hospital room. Immediately problems started arising. My mom got a horrible infection that was only kept at bay with severe antibiotics running on an IV every half an hour for two days. We couldn't keep her pain under control and she kept saying how she felt like her body was poisoned. Her lungs felt tight and we couldn't take her off of the oxygen machine. Finally they said we could go home, the respiratory therapist was worried saying she had crackles in her lungs and sent her home with an oxygen machine.

The moment we got her home things went downhill. No matter what I did for her she got sicker. She couldn't walk to the bathroom and back without her lips turning blue from lack of oxygen. She couldn't eat and spent most of the time throwing up everything I brought her way. Her face and eyes started swelling and the pain pills became a joke. She laid in bed crying unable to have any relief. Two days later after dozens of calls to the doctor's office I knew she needed to get back into the hospital.

She agreed to go to Madison Memorial only after I threatened to call the ambulance if she didn't get in the car. She was horrified thinking of all the ward members on the QRU who would show up to her aid. She cried and begged me saying she was too sick to go to the hospital and to wait another day. I called in reinforcements. With enough of her children saying she needed to go in she finally relented. I loaded her into the car on that icy day and set off for the hospital. I drove as fast as I dared, driving the back roads of Roberts, Menan and Rexburg to get to the hospital. Her breathing became very shallow and I was unsure if she was even breathing at times. I dialed 911 on my phone and kept track of the mile markers so I could call the ambulance. I put on the hymns and told her to focus on the music and when we could see the Rexburg Temple I told her not to take her eyes off of it. When we finally arrived at the ER the nurses were frantic trying to find out what was wrong. Her lungs were full of blood clots and her white count was sky high. The surgery had been poorly performed and she was full of abscesses. They told us if we hadn't brought her in she would have died in the night.

So a fight to beat the clock took place. Because of the blood clots in her lungs they gave her blood thinners and so she couldn't have surgery. If they didn't perform the surgery soon the infection would take over. Surgery was scheduled in a little over 24 hours they outlook was grim and they said they didn't know if she would live that long. She was moved into ICU barely conscious and unable to decipher day from night. Family and friends came to give blessings, offer prayers and stand vigil next to her bedside.

I was there early the morning of the surgery she kissed me goodbye and she told me where she wanted to be buried and which one of us girls was to have which jewelry. I held her until they pried her from my arms to take her away. Something passed between us and I knew she believed she would never see me again in this life. I watched her wheeled to surgery and I felt helpless. Chase held me and I sobbed knowing her life hung in the balance. After three hours I had a feeling of hope. Nurses and doctors came in to talk to us, she had made it through surgery. She couldn't breath on her own and would be brought in on a respirator. They told us to be prepared for what was about to happen.

My mom's lifeless body was brought in to the room and I sat by her bed holding her hand. She started struggling almost immediately, fighting the respirator, confused where she was and eyes wild begging for help. I spoke her to her as a child, crooning to her and willed her to have peace. All of sudden I remembered the music, the moment the hymns began she calmed down. For two hours she fought us to be taken off, gagging and thrashing on the tubes. At one point my sisters told me to go sleep for a few hours because the doctor's said it would only get worse from here. Adrenaline was the only thing keeping me standing, and I passed out in a wooden chair at a friends house a few blocks away.

My sisters stayed with her. The doctors told her if she could hold her head off of her pillow for 10 seconds they could take her off the respirator. My mother lifted her head at a 45 angle for 45 seconds staring down the doctors, daring them to say she wasn't ready. They took her off the machine, my sister's rejoiced at such a huge accomplishment. That's when alarms started sounding, her temperature started rising and topped off at 108*. My sisters were told this is where 90% of patients were lost. Ice packets were strategically placed and buckets of ice were dumped over her body. My sisters didn't understand how things had gone bad so quickly they started wondering what caused such an instant change. Someone had turned the music off. The moment the room was filled with the hymns her temperature started dropping and she began to stabilize. The nurses and doctors stared at my mom and told them under no circumstances were they to turn that music off.

An hour later Chuck walked in, he was annoyed by he music. He turned the music off. Alarms sounded as my mom rapidly deteriorated. The first thing they asked when they walked in was who turned off her music. Embarrassed he turned the music on and my mom stabilized. No one understood how this was working. The prophet was once quoted, “When your faith fails, that's when you call the doctor.” We were truly keeping her alive with our faith. What a testimony prayers are answered.

We were told it would be at least a week until she left the ICU and a month until she went home. The music stayed on and she progressed rapidly. The next morning they released her to a regular room. My mom had barely spoken because her throat was so sore from the tubes. It was my turn to sit with her and everyone left the room to get some sleep, eat and shower. My mom opened her eyes. For the first time they focused on something in the room, me. Her throat was raspy and she struggled for breath. She needed to speak with me.

She told me she'd been on the other side. I smiled and told her to go back to sleep, sure the pain pump was making her delirious. She refused. She said she could prove it. She told me I was going to have a baby. Now I knew she'd lost it. Chase and I had been married almost 3 years and had been trying nearly that entire time and even miscarried a few times. We'd never told our families and few friends. I laughed, playing along. “So when am I going to have this baby?” She looked right into my eyes and said, “right away”. I was shocked to here her so fervent and little did I know I would find out weeks later that I was in fact pregnant. She told me things I had never told her or anyone else. When at last I was convinced she had visited the other side she moved on to tell me of her experience. I listened as she spoke of heaven with it's majestic mountains and great beauty. She spoke of her youthful body and how happy she was there. She saw her family and loved ones and rejoiced they were back together again. She spoke of how little material things mattered. She filled my heart with such joy. Her family cried for her saying she would have many trials to face and there would be much sorrow and her return would be short. When at last she told me everything she could remember, she started crying saying how she could still here the angels singing. She remembered standing next to her body and the conversations was even in the room when the doctors spoke with us while they were bringing her out of recovery. She felt sick climbing back into her body when they brought it in. She said it felt like she was sliding into cold mud. Silently I pondered what she was saying as she fell back asleep. I felt very strongly to not push aside what she recounted because it was true.

There are many things I can't repeat and very few family members even know of the entirety of her experience. When they released her days later to go home, I was exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. I exercised my faith in every way to keep her alive. When I found out I was pregnant Chase and I were overjoyed. We didn't wait to tell everyone Ruark was on the way, knowing he would make it to the birth. I have always felt since my mom came back that we are on borrowed time. Thankful for everything she has taught me, canning, sewing, how to be a mother. I thank the Lord for the last three years. Our relationship is getting better every day. She has promised me she's not going back to Chuck and I believe her. Whatever was going on seems to have resolved itself and she's no longer looking back. I don't want to waste the time we have left together, however long that is in this life. I can tell you I am excited for Heaven. I'm more sure than ever before that Heaven is just beyond the veil and that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and we can be together as families for all eternity.

Putting away the pink!!

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life and also one of the hardest. Today I woke up so thankful to feel this baby moving inside of my belly. He was kicking and wriggling all around. I've never cherished those little kicks as much as I do today. It's still a little odd to be calling this baby a boy, when I've "KNOWN" without a doubt for so long it's a girl. So today I'm putting away the pink!! Or at least most of it, I might keep out an outfit for the hospital. I wanted a daughter so badly but all those feelings have melted away and are replaced with such an excitement for this child.

I am SOOOO overwhelmingly lucky to be able to be a mother to these two boys. We're getting ready for Rhett Nicolas Andrews. I'm looking for matching bedding sets for the boys room and planning where everything will go. I can't wait to hold him in my arms, he is my little miracle. With a happy heart today I am clearing out the closet of pink, lace, ribbons and dresses. Chase is thrilled and already talking about buying bunk beds for the boys, I keep trying to explain Rhett is a little young for that. You can't put a newborn in a bunk bed!

What I know about this baby is he is stubborn. Absolutely stubborn!!! He refuses to cooperate when I try to move him from a painful position nor will he cooperate with the doctor or ultrasound tech. No matter what they did to move him around for a better position to make sure he is a boy, he refused. He kicked them away, and hit the ultrasound probe. He even put his little hand down there and covered himself when he finally moved into a semi-useful position.

Years ago my best friend Dixie was getting ready to have a baby and she was working on meditation to prepare herself for labor. So when life seems to be a struggle or I can't sleep at night because my mind won't turn itself off this is what I do.

I imagine myself going into an elevator and watching the doors close. (Now most of you don't know this but I am TERRIFIED of elevators, you always see them drop during movies and it freaks me out that I might get cut in half when I leave or enter. So my elevator is FANCY. It's help up by a million cords and there's no way it can fall. Otherwise this meditation might turn into a panic attack!)

So the elevator doors close and I see that I'm on the 10th floor, I feel the elevator descend and I fell as I go down floor by floor. I count down the floors 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2...1. The doors open and I'm standing in a beautiful meadow in heaven. I'm dressed all in white and I always see the same scene. The sun is shining there are bunnies and butterflies and even little woodland creatures all around. In the middle of the meadow is my family, they are having a picnic. Two little boys dressed in white are playing with wooden swords. Two beautiful little girls dressed in white are playing with their dolls and having tea parties. A smaller boy is flying a kite and is so animated waving hello and my handsome husband is holding a baby daughter on his lap. I spend time loving each of my children, kissing them, tickling and playing with them, picking daisies with them and watching them play while Chase and I rest under a tree. I have such peace in this place. This is my heaven. It has never felt closer then it does today.

I cannot wait to hold each of children in my arms and right now I can't get them here fast enough. I am dreaming of getting pregnant again and imagining how long it will be until my home is full. All I wanted all of my life is to be a mother, and I think I've taken it for granted these past few months of pregnancy. No more. I will give every bit of myself that I have to be a devoted mother and wife. I will not hold back for being the mother they deserve. I will show Heavenly Father how grateful I am and never let my children forget they are all my greatest blessings.

A day for a miracle

Today I woke up to get ready for my O.B. appointment and felt an impression to leave Ruark with a friend while I went for my check up at 9:00. I felt a little uneasy and nervous. It started out normal, checking my blood pressure and my weight. They put me in an exam room and my doctor came in. We joked and laughed for a few minutes about things going on with my pregnancy. I complained about the ultrasound tech who had said "it mysteriously looks like a boy", "he might have club feet, but I can't tell" and my favorite "he might have a hole in his heart but I just can't see". My doctor asked if I wanted to repeat the ultrasound and I told him no. As long as the heart is fine everything else will be figured out at the birth. He thought that was a good direction to go and to hop up on the table to check the heartbeat. This baby has ALWAYS had such a strong heartbeat. The moment he touched my belly the baby's heartbeat was booming out of the speaker coming in at about 160 bpm. I was so relieved to hear that he was okay. I even commented how thankful I was the heartbeat was so strong and that's when everything changed. The moment those words were out of my mouth his heartbeat stopped. Then it slowly started beating again, it was barely beating. I tried to stay calm as my doctor tried repositioning the monitor for a better area. The heartbeat stayed slow. After about 20 seconds his heart took off. I've never heard a heart beat so fast and labored. You could hear it gurgling trying to catch a rhythm, I watched my doctor did his best to keep calm. He said we needed an ultrasound to see what was wrong he gave me a list of scenerios and rushed out of the room to see when I could be fit into the schedule. I could be fit in was 4:15 and told to try to stay calm until we knew what was going on. I called Chase who had started texting me during the appointment and was worried something was wrong. I told him what was going on and he agreed we just needed to stay calm until we knew what was happening. I called my mom and that's when the flood gates opened. I sobbed remembering my two sisters who each had miscarriages/stillborns at 6 and 7 months. Their hearts weren't strong enough and they lost their babies. I knew I needed a blessing. I got over to my Grandpa's as soon as possible because Chase is out of town and there's no where else I wanted to go. He just got home from the temple and I felt sure he was in the perfect frame of mind to give me a blessing. During the blessing I could hear my Grandpa struggling trying to bless the baby with health. In the end he could only bless me to have peace, comfort and understanding. I was worried. I just wanted to hear the baby was okay. I went to put Ruark down for a nap and relax for a few hours at home before I had to go back to the doctor. I was going to put on a soap opera to get my mind off of everything. It felt so wrong to be asking for a miracle from my Heavenly Father and waste the time away with such trivial things. I spend the next few hours on my knees in prayer, reading my scriptures, watching conference talks and reading wonderful words of inspiration and prayers flooding in from facebook and text messages from amazing family and friends. I opened my scriptures to to start reading when my eyes fell on page, "behold I go to the mansions of my father and shall be clothed in glory". NOT what I wanted to hear. 3-4 times I opened my scriptures similar scriptures were the first I read on the page. Finally I turned to a different page and read "get down on your knees and pray". I don't know if I've ever prayed so hard. I was exhausted when I was done and climbed in bed to listen to conference and rest. For two hours I laid on my side waiting for the baby to move. No matter what I did to poke and prod the baby he wouldn't move. I was sick. When the time came to leave for the doctor I was frozen in fear in my bed, unable to move. Ruark went back to my friend's house and I set off to the doctor with my mom and my sister. The moment the ultrasound started you could see what a strong heartbeat he has. He was curled up in a tiny little ball and refused to move out of his position. He is a stubborn baby, he did the same thing at the last ultrasound. The heart was perfect, my doctor came in to check. He was amazed there was no longer any problems, we watched for half an hour and everything was perfect. He told the ultrasound tech he wanted the baby's feet checked for club feet. The feet were perfect, no problems. He wanted the gender checked again, she looked for a little bit and said, "they told you it was a girl, right?" we were all seeing that there was nothing between the legs for a three or four minutes and said no, they thought it was a boy. She was surprised. Finally she said oh well, I think there are testicles right there. NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I told her we were told the same thing last time and we needed her to check further. Baby was not cooperating, as usual. He stayed in a little ball and finally she said oh I'm sure it's a boy I think it's right there. Of course his hand was down there covering himself. We didn't really care. The only thing that mattered is that the baby is healthy. I know my baby was having problems, we heard his struggled heart beating. I know it's because of the wonderful priesthood blessing I was given, all of the prayers and faith exercised on his behalf that healed whatever the problems were. I am so thankful for such a loving Heavenly Father who never left my side through this trial and provided me such sweet peace on a day full of turmoil.

Leftovers

Last night I had an idea. I keep thinking about the 10 virgins and how my lamp is so empty. I've put a clear container in my room and each day I pray, read scriptures, go to church or do anything to help my testimony grow I will put one glass rock in my vessel. I think it will really help to see how my "lamp" is being filled and give me comfort that while I feel disconnected I'm making progress. While this silly visual aid is just a reminder to myself, I think i will receive a lot of peace. I keep thinking of the life we had when Chuck was apart of our family. We never felt welcome to our mother's home, our children were never welcome. I remember shushing newborn babies in her home and doing everything to keep them from crying so Chuck wouldn't ask my family to leave. We lived for the days he went fishing, hunting etc, because we were finally able to have our family together. So many holidays past by without us being able to celebrate because Chuck didn't want us there. So many holidays my brothers and sisters went home in tears minutes after arriving at our family events because Chuck didn't "sign on" to have us in his life and cruelly threw us out. We walked on egg shells and did everything to appease him so we could stay in her life. We cringed at disgusting jokes and language with a smile on our face. We waited and subsisted on the leftovers of our mother's time. We waited until she called us from the bathroom of a gas station where Chuck couldn't hear us talking on their road trips. We waited until he left to go to town for us to come home. I thought this was normal, WE thought this was normal. How did we live this way for 15 years? I'm not going back to the way life was, my mom can't have her cake and eat it too. Whatever that expression means, I've never quite understood it. I remember the day Mom and Chuck were married. I was 11 years old and I told my teacher, "my mom is getting married today!" He asked what time I would be picked up for the wedding and I shrugged and said, "I don't get to go, they don't want me there." I remember the pain in his eyes but I didn't understand why he looked so sad for me. No one in my family was invited to the wedding or to their life. My mom was wonderful, my mom IS wonderful. Everyone who knows her, loves and adores her. She showers everyone with love and comfort and gives all she has to everyone. She brings home invalids from the jail and takes care of them for months and years. She made up for the cruel step father and the situation where I lived. She cried to have her children together and our family whole. I don't understand how she could want to go back to that life. I refuse to go back, no matter how much I love my mom, I don't know many who love their mom as I do, I will not allow that man back in our life. I need more, we all need more. We finally understand WE DESERVE MORE.

Clarity

Today there has been no more clarity, even after all that has been said. How dare I put how I feel on my blog? How dare I have any feelings over what is going on in my life? Why do I feel overwhelmed at the idea of saying how I feel, to ask for other's prayers when I feel so down trodden? Am I not entitled to my feelings of anger, resentment and utter heartbreak? I realize today how I have rewritten my life story. Today I have looked back and realized how much disappointment and anguish I have dismissed because I didn't want to burden others with MY pain. Not long ago Chase and I went to the Temple Visitors Center to view the beautiful exhibit. There was the most beautiful picture of the 10 Virgins. This picture has stayed with me and I keep relating to that story. I have always felt that my vessel was full of oil, that I have always felt prepared for the trials of life. The last few years have been so difficult. We have been hit with more problems than most families receive in a lifetime. I realize how I have given my oil to everyone around me. I have given to everyone who wasn't prepared. I buoyed others with my faith, I have prayed, mourned, sheltered and sustained others. I gave everything I had and now at this time in my life I realize how empty my vessel is. I have felt such a peace in all this stress today and I truly believe it's because of all the prayers given to the Lord on my behalf and for my family. I am humbled that so many would pray for me and that so many care. My life hasn't stopped spinning but I am standing still in the midst watching as my life turns. So many lies have been said and promises made. Even at this time I don't think my mom understands the choices she is making. I've been promised she's not leaving and she wants us in her life that we are the most important people in her life. How my heart rejoiced to only be told in the same breath that I am raised and it's none of my business what she chooses to do with her life and I should take whatever relationship she decides to give me. I feel embarrassed to have so many people know the pain I am feeling. Horrified, I've put so much out in the open for everyone. However, I am so thankful to have my yoke lightened by so many who have given such wonderful words of support and love. I feel strengthened for tomorrow and know that I am not alone.