Putting away the pink!!

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life and also one of the hardest. Today I woke up so thankful to feel this baby moving inside of my belly. He was kicking and wriggling all around. I've never cherished those little kicks as much as I do today. It's still a little odd to be calling this baby a boy, when I've "KNOWN" without a doubt for so long it's a girl. So today I'm putting away the pink!! Or at least most of it, I might keep out an outfit for the hospital. I wanted a daughter so badly but all those feelings have melted away and are replaced with such an excitement for this child.

I am SOOOO overwhelmingly lucky to be able to be a mother to these two boys. We're getting ready for Rhett Nicolas Andrews. I'm looking for matching bedding sets for the boys room and planning where everything will go. I can't wait to hold him in my arms, he is my little miracle. With a happy heart today I am clearing out the closet of pink, lace, ribbons and dresses. Chase is thrilled and already talking about buying bunk beds for the boys, I keep trying to explain Rhett is a little young for that. You can't put a newborn in a bunk bed!

What I know about this baby is he is stubborn. Absolutely stubborn!!! He refuses to cooperate when I try to move him from a painful position nor will he cooperate with the doctor or ultrasound tech. No matter what they did to move him around for a better position to make sure he is a boy, he refused. He kicked them away, and hit the ultrasound probe. He even put his little hand down there and covered himself when he finally moved into a semi-useful position.

Years ago my best friend Dixie was getting ready to have a baby and she was working on meditation to prepare herself for labor. So when life seems to be a struggle or I can't sleep at night because my mind won't turn itself off this is what I do.

I imagine myself going into an elevator and watching the doors close. (Now most of you don't know this but I am TERRIFIED of elevators, you always see them drop during movies and it freaks me out that I might get cut in half when I leave or enter. So my elevator is FANCY. It's help up by a million cords and there's no way it can fall. Otherwise this meditation might turn into a panic attack!)

So the elevator doors close and I see that I'm on the 10th floor, I feel the elevator descend and I fell as I go down floor by floor. I count down the floors 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2...1. The doors open and I'm standing in a beautiful meadow in heaven. I'm dressed all in white and I always see the same scene. The sun is shining there are bunnies and butterflies and even little woodland creatures all around. In the middle of the meadow is my family, they are having a picnic. Two little boys dressed in white are playing with wooden swords. Two beautiful little girls dressed in white are playing with their dolls and having tea parties. A smaller boy is flying a kite and is so animated waving hello and my handsome husband is holding a baby daughter on his lap. I spend time loving each of my children, kissing them, tickling and playing with them, picking daisies with them and watching them play while Chase and I rest under a tree. I have such peace in this place. This is my heaven. It has never felt closer then it does today.

I cannot wait to hold each of children in my arms and right now I can't get them here fast enough. I am dreaming of getting pregnant again and imagining how long it will be until my home is full. All I wanted all of my life is to be a mother, and I think I've taken it for granted these past few months of pregnancy. No more. I will give every bit of myself that I have to be a devoted mother and wife. I will not hold back for being the mother they deserve. I will show Heavenly Father how grateful I am and never let my children forget they are all my greatest blessings.

A day for a miracle

Today I woke up to get ready for my O.B. appointment and felt an impression to leave Ruark with a friend while I went for my check up at 9:00. I felt a little uneasy and nervous. It started out normal, checking my blood pressure and my weight. They put me in an exam room and my doctor came in. We joked and laughed for a few minutes about things going on with my pregnancy. I complained about the ultrasound tech who had said "it mysteriously looks like a boy", "he might have club feet, but I can't tell" and my favorite "he might have a hole in his heart but I just can't see". My doctor asked if I wanted to repeat the ultrasound and I told him no. As long as the heart is fine everything else will be figured out at the birth. He thought that was a good direction to go and to hop up on the table to check the heartbeat. This baby has ALWAYS had such a strong heartbeat. The moment he touched my belly the baby's heartbeat was booming out of the speaker coming in at about 160 bpm. I was so relieved to hear that he was okay. I even commented how thankful I was the heartbeat was so strong and that's when everything changed. The moment those words were out of my mouth his heartbeat stopped. Then it slowly started beating again, it was barely beating. I tried to stay calm as my doctor tried repositioning the monitor for a better area. The heartbeat stayed slow. After about 20 seconds his heart took off. I've never heard a heart beat so fast and labored. You could hear it gurgling trying to catch a rhythm, I watched my doctor did his best to keep calm. He said we needed an ultrasound to see what was wrong he gave me a list of scenerios and rushed out of the room to see when I could be fit into the schedule. I could be fit in was 4:15 and told to try to stay calm until we knew what was going on. I called Chase who had started texting me during the appointment and was worried something was wrong. I told him what was going on and he agreed we just needed to stay calm until we knew what was happening. I called my mom and that's when the flood gates opened. I sobbed remembering my two sisters who each had miscarriages/stillborns at 6 and 7 months. Their hearts weren't strong enough and they lost their babies. I knew I needed a blessing. I got over to my Grandpa's as soon as possible because Chase is out of town and there's no where else I wanted to go. He just got home from the temple and I felt sure he was in the perfect frame of mind to give me a blessing. During the blessing I could hear my Grandpa struggling trying to bless the baby with health. In the end he could only bless me to have peace, comfort and understanding. I was worried. I just wanted to hear the baby was okay. I went to put Ruark down for a nap and relax for a few hours at home before I had to go back to the doctor. I was going to put on a soap opera to get my mind off of everything. It felt so wrong to be asking for a miracle from my Heavenly Father and waste the time away with such trivial things. I spend the next few hours on my knees in prayer, reading my scriptures, watching conference talks and reading wonderful words of inspiration and prayers flooding in from facebook and text messages from amazing family and friends. I opened my scriptures to to start reading when my eyes fell on page, "behold I go to the mansions of my father and shall be clothed in glory". NOT what I wanted to hear. 3-4 times I opened my scriptures similar scriptures were the first I read on the page. Finally I turned to a different page and read "get down on your knees and pray". I don't know if I've ever prayed so hard. I was exhausted when I was done and climbed in bed to listen to conference and rest. For two hours I laid on my side waiting for the baby to move. No matter what I did to poke and prod the baby he wouldn't move. I was sick. When the time came to leave for the doctor I was frozen in fear in my bed, unable to move. Ruark went back to my friend's house and I set off to the doctor with my mom and my sister. The moment the ultrasound started you could see what a strong heartbeat he has. He was curled up in a tiny little ball and refused to move out of his position. He is a stubborn baby, he did the same thing at the last ultrasound. The heart was perfect, my doctor came in to check. He was amazed there was no longer any problems, we watched for half an hour and everything was perfect. He told the ultrasound tech he wanted the baby's feet checked for club feet. The feet were perfect, no problems. He wanted the gender checked again, she looked for a little bit and said, "they told you it was a girl, right?" we were all seeing that there was nothing between the legs for a three or four minutes and said no, they thought it was a boy. She was surprised. Finally she said oh well, I think there are testicles right there. NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I told her we were told the same thing last time and we needed her to check further. Baby was not cooperating, as usual. He stayed in a little ball and finally she said oh I'm sure it's a boy I think it's right there. Of course his hand was down there covering himself. We didn't really care. The only thing that mattered is that the baby is healthy. I know my baby was having problems, we heard his struggled heart beating. I know it's because of the wonderful priesthood blessing I was given, all of the prayers and faith exercised on his behalf that healed whatever the problems were. I am so thankful for such a loving Heavenly Father who never left my side through this trial and provided me such sweet peace on a day full of turmoil.

Leftovers

Last night I had an idea. I keep thinking about the 10 virgins and how my lamp is so empty. I've put a clear container in my room and each day I pray, read scriptures, go to church or do anything to help my testimony grow I will put one glass rock in my vessel. I think it will really help to see how my "lamp" is being filled and give me comfort that while I feel disconnected I'm making progress. While this silly visual aid is just a reminder to myself, I think i will receive a lot of peace. I keep thinking of the life we had when Chuck was apart of our family. We never felt welcome to our mother's home, our children were never welcome. I remember shushing newborn babies in her home and doing everything to keep them from crying so Chuck wouldn't ask my family to leave. We lived for the days he went fishing, hunting etc, because we were finally able to have our family together. So many holidays past by without us being able to celebrate because Chuck didn't want us there. So many holidays my brothers and sisters went home in tears minutes after arriving at our family events because Chuck didn't "sign on" to have us in his life and cruelly threw us out. We walked on egg shells and did everything to appease him so we could stay in her life. We cringed at disgusting jokes and language with a smile on our face. We waited and subsisted on the leftovers of our mother's time. We waited until she called us from the bathroom of a gas station where Chuck couldn't hear us talking on their road trips. We waited until he left to go to town for us to come home. I thought this was normal, WE thought this was normal. How did we live this way for 15 years? I'm not going back to the way life was, my mom can't have her cake and eat it too. Whatever that expression means, I've never quite understood it. I remember the day Mom and Chuck were married. I was 11 years old and I told my teacher, "my mom is getting married today!" He asked what time I would be picked up for the wedding and I shrugged and said, "I don't get to go, they don't want me there." I remember the pain in his eyes but I didn't understand why he looked so sad for me. No one in my family was invited to the wedding or to their life. My mom was wonderful, my mom IS wonderful. Everyone who knows her, loves and adores her. She showers everyone with love and comfort and gives all she has to everyone. She brings home invalids from the jail and takes care of them for months and years. She made up for the cruel step father and the situation where I lived. She cried to have her children together and our family whole. I don't understand how she could want to go back to that life. I refuse to go back, no matter how much I love my mom, I don't know many who love their mom as I do, I will not allow that man back in our life. I need more, we all need more. We finally understand WE DESERVE MORE.

Clarity

Today there has been no more clarity, even after all that has been said. How dare I put how I feel on my blog? How dare I have any feelings over what is going on in my life? Why do I feel overwhelmed at the idea of saying how I feel, to ask for other's prayers when I feel so down trodden? Am I not entitled to my feelings of anger, resentment and utter heartbreak? I realize today how I have rewritten my life story. Today I have looked back and realized how much disappointment and anguish I have dismissed because I didn't want to burden others with MY pain. Not long ago Chase and I went to the Temple Visitors Center to view the beautiful exhibit. There was the most beautiful picture of the 10 Virgins. This picture has stayed with me and I keep relating to that story. I have always felt that my vessel was full of oil, that I have always felt prepared for the trials of life. The last few years have been so difficult. We have been hit with more problems than most families receive in a lifetime. I realize how I have given my oil to everyone around me. I have given to everyone who wasn't prepared. I buoyed others with my faith, I have prayed, mourned, sheltered and sustained others. I gave everything I had and now at this time in my life I realize how empty my vessel is. I have felt such a peace in all this stress today and I truly believe it's because of all the prayers given to the Lord on my behalf and for my family. I am humbled that so many would pray for me and that so many care. My life hasn't stopped spinning but I am standing still in the midst watching as my life turns. So many lies have been said and promises made. Even at this time I don't think my mom understands the choices she is making. I've been promised she's not leaving and she wants us in her life that we are the most important people in her life. How my heart rejoiced to only be told in the same breath that I am raised and it's none of my business what she chooses to do with her life and I should take whatever relationship she decides to give me. I feel embarrassed to have so many people know the pain I am feeling. Horrified, I've put so much out in the open for everyone. However, I am so thankful to have my yoke lightened by so many who have given such wonderful words of support and love. I feel strengthened for tomorrow and know that I am not alone.

Getting ready for baby

We are now a little over 20 weeks and we're definitely feeling like we're in the home stretch. We've been rearranging the house to accommodate a new baby. Ruark and baby #2 will be sharing a room together which will be really nice to not have my office moved downstairs until baby #3 gets here.

This pregnancy has been really hard, with the allergic reaction closing off my windpipe and the constant nausea and sickness and now contractions it feels never ending. At the Doctor's office we found out I have a type of bacterial infection that could cause premature labor and even a second trimester miscarriage. So I was put on an antibiotic and we were hoping it would clear up. Unfortunately it's gotten worse, the contractions are getting stronger and stronger and are near constant right now. I go in tomorrow for more testing to see what we can do to get it a little more under control.

As you can tell I'm in a little denial that his baby is really a boy, what with the ultrasound tech not being sure, the umbilical cord between the legs and covering the little bum with his little feet it was really hard to see what's really going on. Which is why we got, "it mysteriously looks like a boy" and "I think it's a boy". We're planning for a boy and a girl, we're going to wait until the delivery room to see if we get a surprise.

It's a boy?

Yesterday at our ultrasound we never really got a definitive YES it's a boy! Our ultrasound tech kept saying "it looks mysteriously like a boy". What does that even mean?! 8 times out of ten there was nothing there but once or twice we think we saw something. The ultrasound tech is pretty sure, however I am not. But we are moving forward with the idea of bringing another boy home. When they told me during the ultrasound, I must admit I started crying. Silent tears fell, until we were done. Then they put me in the lobby to wait for the doctor. I started sobbing when I called my mom. It got even harder when everyone kept staring at me like I just found out my baby had two heads. They kept asking what was wrong and if I was okay. I just really wanted to be alone to process.

When the nurses took me back they were really concerned about me too. The ultrasound tech came out and saw me still crying and told me that it's a healthy boy and that the day before there was a baby that didn't have an arm. I cried even harder feeling like a terrible mother. Everyone kept saying "she's just disappointed it's a boy" which really made the tears fall harder. What a horrible thing to say that I'm disappointed that it's a boy! I was a mess.

Slowly I've pulled myself out of all the tears and I am so excited to have this baby boy! His name will be Rhett, and I can't wait to have a little buddy for Ruark! I've already started planning their room and Halloween outfits. What an amazing experience to have TWO healthy boys!

A little about baby Rhett. He is a mover! For goodness sakes his amniotic fluid is full of bubbles because he moves so much. I've never even heard of that, the ultrasound tech was surprised. He is a thumb-sucker! Wow, is he ever stubborn! No matter what they did he refused to move out of his spot of legs crossed over his head. Which is what made it so hard to see that he is a boy. A boy after my own heart! I can't believe I'm going to have TWO babies to hold and love soon.

We are so lucky, Ruark already walks around saying "Rhett, Rhett". I can't wait to see these boys grow together.

Ultrasound TODAY!

In ONE HOUR we have our appointment for our ultrasound to see if it's a boy or girl! I am so excited to see him or her moving around. I feel so thankful to be pregnant again and be having my August baby! I thought I'd post a picture of me this morning, my belly seems so small this morning! I have so many hopes and dreams for this sweet baby. Most on my mind is will there be more wrestling tournaments or ballet recitals? Will there be trucks or dolls, blue or pink? I can't wait to know what we're having but I'm more excited to have another baby in my arms again! We're halfway there and we couldn't be more excited!