My life has gotten more crazy since the last time I blogged. I feel continuously bombarded with problems. Not small problems. But scary, keep you up all night thinking about them problems. Handfuls and handfuls of them. This has been going on for over two months and at this point I felt dead inside. Numb to everything. My mind was exhausted, my body was exhausted and my spirit was weighed down. I prayed, I tried to feel the spirit, but I felt unable to really connect with anything. I laughed with my son and my friends, for a few moments but then felt pulled down into the despair.
Then I found out I'm pregnant, something neither Chase or I were planning on, but what a joy we felt. We started thinking about Ruark being a big brother and what a wonderful life we would have as a family of 4. Now when my hormones change, my body does not handle it well. Even with no stress with Ruark I was continually having problems with panic attacks. The calls did not stop, the stress continued to build. My hormones went out of control, I couldn't calm myself down. Panic attack after panic attack came and went. Until finally, I lost the baby at only 6.5 weeks.
I called my mom, I told her I was trying to be strong I was praying for strength to get through these trials. She told me to stop praying for strength and to pray for peace. Peace to calm the storm. I prayed with all I could muster, and yet the phone kept ringing with more problems.
Dragging myself to sacrament meeting last week I heard words I really needed to hear from the youth speaker. My ward has the most spiritual youth, we currently have out 17 missionaries and something like 36 priests getting ready to leave. We are so blessed to have Ruark grow up in this ward. The youth speaker said, "Sometimes the Lord calms the sea, and sometimes he calms the sailor in the storm."
I went home and prayed for my family to have peace in the midst of the storms around us. Alas that night the problems escalated into a very scary encounter. The storm beat against my home, and we were kept safe and peaceful inside. That disconnect I was feeling now only pertains to the storms around us. For the first time in months, I have even forgotten about the storms for a few hours. What a relief.
I am finding joy in the small and simple things. I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows my needs and has calmed by soul.
Year in Review- 2013
10 years ago
Nichole,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your pregnancy. Although I have never had to experience something like that, I have had my share of trials. These past two years have seemed like trial after trial and I have to confess that I didn't handle it as well as you seem to be doing. My spirit and testimony took a huge beating and it's only been these past few months that I've finally found the strength to start building them back up. Keep praying, keep surrounding yourself with family who can support you and try and keep a positive outlook. It seems like my attitude is the one thing that I needed to change before I could look on everything else positively. You and your family are in my prayers.
Nicole, you are a strong, beautiful, wonderful mother, person, wife, and friend. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now and I truly hope things start looking up for you. You have a beautiful testimony and a strong beautiful family who will always be there for you. I love you!
ReplyDeleteNicole, I'm so sorry to hear about your pregnancy :( Not that I have a clue what you're going through, but I know you can make it through the trials. Trials come, and most of the time you have to learn something or become stronger in some way before the trials will pass. I know it's all out of control right now, but continue to look for lessons to be learned, and you will find peace. Be strong, girlie! Good things come to those who are patient :)
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