Multiply and Replenish the Earth

Well people can be blunt can't they? The decision of when and how many children to have is SUPPOSED to be between a husband, wife and the Lord. It's incredible that people think such a sacred topic is up for a community discussion. Before we started having children an in-law told me, "you will be a terrible mother". When I was 5 weeks pregnant with Ruark a dear friend told me, "I always thought you were too selfish to have children". Not long after the birth of Ruark my in-laws asked me, "do you think you'll have any more?" I was surprised. I told them, "Of course, I want to have 12!" Not technically a realistic number but somewhere in my mind that seemed like an appropriate statement, a huffy reply came back, "And WHO do you suppose will take care of all of those children?"

Before I gave birth to Ruark I remember feeling terrified. I'm sure all parents are feel the same way. I remember falling to my knees in prayer begging Heavenly Father to make me a good mother. I remember thinking what if I don't like being a mom? What if I am too selfish. A very sweet peace came to me and the words that I heard were, "Our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness is centered around the family, this is where you will find your greatest joy."

All my life all I wanted to was to be a mother. In school when they asked what I wanted to be I always said "A MOM" and I was PROUD of it. Yes I had wanted to be a Doctor and even looked into being a Lawyer at one point, but that was all just a dream. Becoming a Mother was what I had yearned for as long as I can remember. I nannied during the summer and after school for my nieces and nephews from the age of 8. I rocked them and loved them as much as my brothers and sisters had loved me. I dreamed about my own children in those rocking chairs.

The decision to wait to have children, wasn't really ours. Although I do appreciate the time Chase and I had to be alone and prepare our life to bring children into our family. About two months after we got married I passed something that looked like a placenta and was the size of my fist. After going to the Doctor the next day they said, "Yep it looks like you were probably pregnant". Chase and I went on for the next 3 years trying on and off to get pregnant. Nothing happened and we were discouraged. It was hard hearing those statements made to me and have others act like I was incapable of loving a child. After all the horrible things that have been said to me (there really are too many for me to even put down on paper) these are the ones that still feel like a knife twisting in my gut.

There have been a lot of changes in our life the past year. This time last year I got I pregnant with Rhett. It's amazing to think back on the person I waa and I am grateful for the growth I have experienced. I was running my business, taking care of my son, crafting, running my household, fulfilling my callings, throwing parties and entertaining friends. There was a fire in my eyes and a feeling that I could take on the world. Then I got pregnant and my whole world changed. I was sick, not just throwing up sick from morning sickness. Life-threatening sickness to both myself and my son. When I had my allergic reaction, they told me I could use benedryl and other natural remedies until it started to restrict my airway. Although the epinephrine shot would save my life they couldn't guarentee it wouldn't kill my tiny baby. Not only could I not move because of the morning sickness and my body being swollen from the allerigies but I felt like I was carrying an elephant on my chest. I waited and prayed and told no one. I was afraid, I would pray while I was going to sleep those nights because my breathing would slow so much before I drifted off that I was afraid I would stop. So I suffered through it and against the odds it slowly got better even though the restrictions to my airway lasted a few months. Right up until the other problems began.

Almost everyone knows of the infections, heart problems, contractions for 5 months, two water sacks, blood clots, mini-strokes, a premature baby and all without a husband in town to help. But we made it through, thank goodness for my Mother. I never could have made it through without her.

At my 6 week post-partum appointment I had a LONG LONG LONG list of questions for my Doctor. To pretty much sum it all up the questions all ended, "what is the possibility that I will have these problems again?" I probably won't. "I want to get pregnant in the near future, what do I need to do". He didn't blink an eye, I guess he's heard that question before. Just get myself healthy and he will do everything in his power to prevent it happening again.

At a family event not long ago someone asked me, "do you think you'll have any more?". Without a doubt in my mind I replied "Absolutely!" They were shocked and I don't care what people say. When they brought Rhett back to me from the nursery just after his birth I knew I would get pregnant soon. I told my Mother, I'm not going to tell anyone when I get pregnant. What will people think of me? They will all be talking about me and passing judgement. I'm not going to tell anyone until I'm showing or until I can't hold the news in any longer.

I promise I'm not pregnant, my baby is only 3 months old! But I've decided that I will not be ashamed that my greatest desire is to have a home filled with the laughter of children. We bought a new car last month to seat 7 and I plan on filling it up. My heart aches to have a third, fourth and fifth child in my home. It fills my every thought. How much longer until I will feel another child growing inside of me? So much of the joy of pregnancy was stolen from me with Rhett.

I hear others passing judgement on WHY ______ is having another baby, haven't they heard of birth control? They have enough kids! Beware I will not allow those things to be said about me or my children. It is not up for discussion in public or private.

I WANT my children and I will not apologize that the world's standards have changed to a very selfish ME attitude. What about ME? What about MY body, MY time, MY sleep? All I heard during my pregnancy with Rhett was you only need TWO children and then you need to stop. I started believing it. Until I held my precious son in my arms and I knew this couldn't be the last time, this was only the beginning.

I am grateful for the trials I overcame this last year. I like to think that I am more kind and understanding, that I think of my needs less, I think of others more. The fire I once had is dim. I'm humbled from the months of service others gave to our family. For once in my life I wasn't able to take charge of a situation and barrel through it alone, I had to accept the help of others. This was always something my pride stood in the way of. I'm grateful beyond belief to hold my son when he cries and rock him back to sleep at night. I know my arms would have always felt lonely if one of those problems had kept him from us. There isn't anything I could buy in any store that could take the place of my boys. I hold more love in my heart for them then I ever knew possible.

This morning I was reading through the General Conference talks in the Ensign, I came across a talk I had missed during conference. There are a few points that stuck in my mind, "We believe in families, and we believe in children." "Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family."

I couldn't have said this better myself. "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gives you time for." I love my sweet family, I am so thankful for my husband and children and I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who leaves no question to whether we should have children but merely asks, "Where is our faith?"

My Heavenly Father has extended the calling to us to "multiply and replenish the earth". I know that now it is up to me and my husband to move forward with faith and trust in Him and we will find more happiness in our home then we ever would have found from any other worldly possession.